Stranger Danger in the Digital Age - it's much harder to spot

Wherever the Children Are Online, is Also Where the Predators Are - FACT.

A grim reality unfortunately. I remember being taught about Stranger Danger and being told never to take sweets from someone I didn't know. Then as I got older and ventured out in my late teens, my parents would talk to me about not getting in cars with people I didn't know or if the driver had had a drink. Don't take short cuts walking home, always stay on main, well-lit roads. Thankfully I took on board their advice and through a mixture of (mostly) sensible choices and luck, nothing bad happened to me.  

Fast forward to 2022 and that comes no way near the conversations we need to be having with our children now. AND they need to be starting the minute they start accessing the online world.  Not until they're 17 and heading out with their friends.  Kids get harassed, groomed and bullied online - FACT. That is not to say every child will be, and hopefully as you are here now, you'll be putting everything in your power in place to minimise that risk BUT every child who is online IS at risk of it happening.

As with all sensitive or worrying topics, this one also needs to be approached with calm and focus. If we as the parents are having panic attacks and reacting with hysteria then this will do nothing to calm our child and build a two-way relationship for future conversations, and there's going to be a LOT of conversations!

Sexual predators can be much more variable online and easily disguised.

We can often think this term applies to someone who would try and meet up with a child for a sexual encounter. In the digital world though, this can also be people who 'get off' by engaging in sexualized conversations on text or email, or sending young people sexualized images and encouraging them to return something similar or take them into group conversations with other predators. We need to make sure our children are prepared for any of these scenarios.

Think of this - when it comes to TikTok, Snapchat, Roblox, Discord, Instagram and so on - who is a stranger? When you 'feel' like you know someone because you can see their photos, their pets, they talk about their likes and dislikes and are just so friendly?! Everyone looks and seems so nice. So, what do we do?

We need to talk to our children how to identify a stranger (and potential danger) not by what they look like but by what the talk like online.

We need to educate them on how to spot potential risky people by the way the behave and interact online.

Here are a few examples you could talk through with them.

Risky people are people you don't know who may ask lots of questions, often personal. They want to get to know you to build trust.  What are your hobbies? Who's your best friend? Do your parents annoy you? - mine do!

Someone you don't know who is very nice to you, is a warning. You're so funny, pretty, cool etc, I wish I had a friend as funny as you. Some of the most dangerous people online are initially some of the nicest!

Someone you don't know who is asking you to keep secrets, is a warning. Let's keep this between us - your other friends/family wouldn't understand

Someone you don't know who asks you to move the chat to a more secretive platform, is a warning. What's your Snap name? Can we chat on there?

Someone you don't know who gets pushy when you don't answer or talk to them, is a warning. Why you being mean? Why won't you talk to me now? You're making me really sad :( 

Someone you don't know who offers you gifts for no reason, is a warning. Hey - do you have a Venmo account? I'd like to send you some money for Christmas/birthday

Someone you don't know who threatens you to make you do something you don't want, is a warning. Send me a nude photo or I'll tell your parents something really bad about you.

Someone you don't know may be waiting to jump on any sign of emotional distress - such as you've had a bad day at school or an argument with a friend. They'll shower you with concern and empathy to build your trust and 'friendship'. Oh no, what's happened? My friends have been mean too, my teacher was awful today or my parents never listen to me either.

After going through all of the above then make sure your child knows that they CAN walk away from any conversation online at ANYTIME for ANY REASON. They are in control.

We often spend a lot of time talking to our children about manners and alongside the P&Q's that can include not interrupting people when they are talking and certainly not just walking off when someone is mid-way through saying something. But here is where we need to ensure our children know this is different online. Teach them to tap into their intuition or 'gut instinct' and use it. They are not being mean or rude by walking away. They are being sensible and smart!

How can Parents Protect Against Online Predators?

• Be respectfully curious about their online activity. You'll no doubt learn lots about them at the same time!
• Know which apps they are using. Ask to see them from time to time. Understand how each works, ideally before giving them access. Download the same apps and games onto your phone and be one of their followers. 
• Be caring but direct. Ask them outright if anyone has ever contacted them that they didn't know or made them feel uncomfortable? Or maybe if their friends have ever experienced anything. Then just listen.
• Set accounts to private. Set parental controls when possible. For example, set Instagram, Snapchat & TikTok to private. Or, on Roblox, turn off chat.
• Keep devices out of private places. No bedrooms.
• Keep device activity limited at night. All the trolls come out at night. And most risky behaviours feel easier at night. Whether you’re age 14 or 40.
• Be observant. Engaged. Informed. If you notice any changes in the behaviour of your child, then dig deeper. Trust your gut instinct to know this is not just tiredness, hormones and bad day. 
• Give you child permission to walk away. Does your child know how to walk away from a nice predator? Keep reminding them. As with all these topics, once is never enough.
• Give them 2 simple steps: Walk away and tell someone.

Too late! My child has already been contacted by a predator! 

Take a breath and be grateful you have found out. Then:

• Reiterate with your child that they did nothing wrong. Don’t let shame and blame. You’re there to help and support. If necessary, discuss consequences later, but not at first. Lead with empathy and love.
• Block and report the predator.
• Determine if other friends might be at risk. This means you might have to contact parents.
• Save evidence. Browsing history, comments, emails -> get screen shots and keep copies.
• Consider contacting the Police. If the predator solicited sex, sent inappropriate photos, asked for inappropriate photos (nudes), or made threats, it’s possible a crime was committed. 
• Praise them for telling you and recognising it was wrong. If they didn't tell you and you found out another way make sure you gently find out why? Was it because they thought they'd get into trouble? or didn't actually realise anything was wrong? Both options need deeper conversations to prevent it happening again.